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I am neither crafty nor artistic. My handwriting is neat but mannish, I can't draw and people with crafting rooms scare me. But like most most other women I am addicted to Pinterest. Because why clean and organize when it's so much more fun to re-pin awesome cleaning and organizing ideas?

Anyway I saw this chalkboard paint craft thing and thought "I can totally do that. I'm going to do that right now." And so I went to Lowe's, bought paint stuff and a piece of plywood and got down to business.

First, the plywood was too big. Enter the circular saw and a brief temper tantrum when certain nameless relatives said I "needed supervision" to use it.

 

So that's done. Now bust out the tape. The idea is to have a small space of chalkboard on the top to write the recipient's name, a larger space in the middle for "I Love You Because" and the largest space of chalkboard on the bottom for the message.

Like so. I didn't use primer under the chalkboard paint. 8 coats of chalkboard paint later I realized the error of my ways. The chalkboard paint dries really quickly and it was hot and sunny out, so thankfully I was still finished painting in less than a half hour.

Painting the space between the chalkboard sections was difficult for me. As I said, I'm not crafty nor are my hands particularly steady. I found the easiest way for me to paint a clean, straight edge was to take a sponge brush, slide it up to the edge of the chalkboard paint and slide it back. It took awhile but for the most part the edges came out clean. For the remainder I just used a cheap brush and long strokes.

Why help Mommy paint when you can swing half-naked from the treadmill?

After all the paint was good and dry I did my best to write "I Love You Because" all pretty like. It's at least legible, if not straight.

Let it dry 24 hours before writing on it. I don't know that the waiting period is actually required, but I'm paranoid and would have been PISSED if I had taken chalk to it and smudged the paint.

With the leftover plywood I made a "Honey Do" board for my Papa for Father's Day, with my little Tarzan's footprints for decoration. Even the uncrafty can make awesome stuff with a circular saw and some paint!

I Think There's A Pill For That

I'm an intellectual snob. My father was, and it either rubbed off or was passed down in his DNA. I feel physical pain when people don't grasp basic sentence structure and/or spelling. But for all my nit-picking of other people's mistakes, I am loathe to see my own. (Also from my dad, if his mother is to be believed.)

I have the voice in the back of my head that screams "THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA SARAH MCQUEEN". I completely ignore her. I am both headstrong and mercurial, a dangerous combination. The tattoo I got with my ex's initial? Told the voice where she could stick it. The night many years ago (MANY years ago) I went out drinking with friends even though I was on medication with "Do not consume alcohol" in big black letters on the bottle? Tied her up in a closet with a sock in her mouth. The poor girl keeps trying to save me from my own whimsy but I just keep ignoring her.

I wouldn't say I need saving from myself. I need saving from the notion that I know better than the voice in the back of my head.  Hmmmm.

Where Am I?

I'm in class, or I'm locked in my room studying, or I'm spending precious few moments with my baby boy. This is why so many single mothers are left uneducated - I feel like I never see my child and it's breaking my heart. I leave the house early, get home around dinner time and then bedtime is 7:30.

School is... eh. It's been such a long time since I've been in a classroom it's like my brain is stalling. But I ain't working at Dunkin' Donuts for the rest of my life so I guess I'll just have to keep pushing.

He's All Shook Up

Dearest Son,

You are the single most important thing that has ever existed. I enjoyed my life before you, enjoyed the hell out of it, but nothing has ever made me as happy as your giggle does. I don't mind when you throw yourself onto my bed at 1AM because secretly I sleep better snuggled up to you too. The smallest thing fills my heart with pride - you should have seen the look on my face when you first turned your head towards your name. The smallest thing can also break my heart, like the way you whimper when you scrape your knee. I have never been more angry at something as I was at the bug that bit you when you were just a few weeks old. I sent that bug to bug hell and cursed its family name.

I have wild dreams for your future. I am fairly convinced you will cure cancer, but would be delighted if you never moved out. That will probably change when you turn 14, but we'll see. More than anything I want you to be happy with what you've got, to know the value of the things you've worked for and to never forget that you are loved to an extreme by so many people.

But I swear to God, kid, if you don't stop whining and throwing things at the poor dog who takes more than his fair share of abuse from you I'm going to make you sleep outside with the mosquitoes tonight.

Love,
Mommy

Me?

Why did you stay? I've heard that question a lot. My mom, my friends, my family, my poor therapist who earns every penny in our sessions. Why did you stay with a man who did nothing but destroy your credit and take you for granted? I'm a smart woman; they tell me I'm nice to look at; I can hold a conversation with people from all walks of life. And I'm a damn good wife, and a faithful one. So why did I stay?

The easiest answer is for the kids. I know people say that kids know when their parents are unhappy, that it's better to separate and be two happy families than one miserable one. And to an extent I agree with that. But I also believe that we owed it to those boys to do our damnedest to maintain their normal. I think every parent owes it to their child/children to make it work with their partner. If a child is born into a family with two parents they deserve to know that those parents did everything they could to keep it that way.

The deeper answer is that I stood in a church that was special to my husband and promised him I would. Promised him in front of our families, our friends, and his son that I would stick with him for better or worse. I promised him in front of God (and despite what my in-laws would have you believe, that does mean quite a lot to me) that I would not obey but honor and cherish. Though just a selfish kid at the time, those vows still meant something to me. I don't think anyone goes into a marriage thinking they'll just stick around until something newer and shiner comes along. Well, maybe some people do, but I didn't.

I'm rambling, I know. Thoughts run through my head at warp speed and my fingers don't move fast enough to get them all down. Plus the madre took the boy to see his great-grammy this weekend and I'm bored out of my skull.

But back to the point - I stayed because I said I would. He was my husband and the father of my children, and I promised him I would.

Anyway. James Bond marathon calls.

You

It's hard to come to the realization that you're just another statistic in the grand scheme of things. To the people in your life you are important and much more than a statistic, of course, but get outside your circle of trust and you're just a statistic. I'm just another single mom doing the best she can with what little she's got left. There are a lot of us in this world, I'm learning. Some are not as lucky as me - I was a single mom even before I was single.

You were always gone. Always. You lived for the infantry and I knew I would always be third in line after the Corps and the kids. I just wanted roses on our anniversary even though you were gone. Other women got lovely arrangements and gifts while their man was deployed. I just wanted a damn birthday card that you could have given me before you left. I wanted to know that even though I was third I'd still get my medal. A participation trophy, even.

I didn't want the world, I didn't want a huge TV, I didn't want to be any richer than we were. I wanted to know that all the sacrifices I made and all the shit I put up with wasn't in vain, that I did it for a man who'd move mountains for me. You couldn't even get your dirty clothes to the hamper. I wanted to feel beautiful, young. Not exhausted and ragged because even when you came home we all lost out to the Xbox or Sportscenter or fight night at SSgt's house. I wanted to take five minutes outside to just breathe without being accused of walking out and not being able to talk like an adult. I wanted you to stop chugging energy drinks because they were costing us $80 a month and I just wanted to get my hair done once in awhile. I wanted you to go see Harry Potter with me. I wanted to stay later at Jeff and Amy's because all the good stuff always happened after we left and I was so bored in that damn desert.

I wanted you to realize that I am still drowning in the pain of my father's death and that having you in my life wasn't going to make that agony just go away with a flick of my fairy godmother's wand.

I would have settled for a birthday card.

I'm Told That A Lot

My saint of a mother pointed out that had I just stayed in school I would never have met the waste of oxygen that is my ex-husband and none of this would have happened.

And she's right.... but this is what my life would be missing had I not:

Ariel. Dawn. Kim. Andrea. Erin. Caitlin. Emma. Kallee. Christy. Delaney. Jenn. Amy. My blessed Wild Thing moms.

Rhian, Chris and Sophia

And more than anything, Mason and Josh.

My life is overstuffed with wonderful people because I didn't get it right the first time, and if I left your name off the list it's because my sweet boy is climbing all over me demanding for a ride in Grandma's car. C'est la vie!